EMERGE

"We can't change. We can either hide or emerge." I saw that quote the other day. It goes along with a thought/rumination of late. We try to control EVERYTHING in our lives. Why. Because we are afraid of dying. Afraid of death. But it is only with our limited learned thinking that we have LEARNED to be afraid of death. I still am. (really, we are afraid of who we really are. We have forgotten that this human thing is just the tip of the iceberg) Because I can't seem to see beyond the veil. Can't seem to really KNOW that I am in this world but not of it. But I see now that it is because I am trying so darned hard to see beyond the veil. Reading, reading, reading. Trying to GET IT ALL NOW. Trying to control my life by researching...all the while avoiding being in it. Now. I see this is like a forgotten muscle that I must exercise every day to get back in shape. Because I relax, remember, and emerge one moment, then forget the next. It's quite an irony for me to be trying so hard to learn not to try so hard.When really all I am doing is vacillating between hiding and emerging. That's all there is. I have no real control over anything except the way I feel. Trying to control situations is hiding. I am getting there more often that I used to. The way I feel is becoming more and more important, and more and more simple. I feel "off" therefore I am not in alignment. I look at why I feel off? It is ALWAYS, ALWAYS because I am focusing away from my Self. We are always one thought away from inner peace and alignment. That's it. Hide or emerge. Control or let go. Focus out or focus withIN. Choose a better thought in this moment. Choose a better thought in this moment, now choose a better thought in this moment. Feel better now. That's it. Keep the focus on yourself. It is our Selves we are hiding from. Our Self is always there, joyously perfect and whole. We hide from it by our thought choices. We can emerge in this life, or not. No biggie. Our Self won't change, it will just keep on flowing to the next adventure.
..after I wrote this I went to one of my favorite websites and this says it so much better than me! http://www.puresilence.org/avoiding_the_void.htm

SOVEREIGNTY

...Been on quite a quest to find my Self. Realized it was ME who left IT. Forgot why I came here. Got caught up in the outside world of shoulds and shouldn'ts and shame and guilt. The sad habit of comparison. Each day as I remember who I am, I find pieces of me that I didn't even know I had the right to claim. I am delighting in the concept that I am a sovereign being, visiting this planet to enjoy all it offers. Nothing and nobody outside of myself has the power to affect who I am and how I feel, it is all a choice I make. Just like exercising a muscle, I can exercise this remembrance, this choice of sovereignty, until it is as natural as breathing. There is no good and bad, just experience and remembrance. Like this snowflake- it contains all of the knowledge of the universe within it. It doesn't question or doubt itself or wonder what the other snow flakes are thinking of it. It just is. I fancied the idea of finally letting go of the banks of the river of life and flowing with it. Now I see that not only am I the let-er go-er, I am the river, AND the banks. Then I forget a little....then I remember again and it is all that much more beautiful than before.

Green Smoothie Revolution

What a 6 months it has been. The worst and best time of my life. A book radically changed my life. "Green For Life" by Victoria Boutenko. We have been doing green smoothies for about 4 months now and it is an awesome, amazing, radical change for the better. Also check out greensmoothiegirl.com I am reading her book now and it is very similar to Green For Life and very good. This "tragedy" has ushered in so many miracles and awakenings. I am so grateful.

Seek and ye shall keep seeking

I was spending every hike looking for (naturally shed) antlers and not finding any. Then one day last week I laughed at myself, because I saw that while I had been talking about my realization that my seeking needed to be over and I need to be fully in my life, in the present moment...there I was seeking antlers on my hike, and not finding them, and therefore not "being" on my hike at all! So I dropped seeking. I just hiked...and practically tripped over the darned thing! So, there ya go! Stop seeking, be in the moment, and magic finds YOU!

An amazing book that is totally changing my life, heck, maybe even saving it, is Green For Life by Victoria Boutenko

STROKED

*My life partner, known here as The Dude,
had a stroke March 14th at the age of 39*
Now that the shock and sadness and poor me why us has passed
this is what I come out with.
We really don't get anything in life we CAN'T handle.
We have no control over the infinite possibilities and probabilities of what could happen in every now moment.
But we DO have control over HOW WE RESPOND. So we can let it all go.
LET IT ALL GO
Our only job in life is to respond well.


There is a fundraiser at:
http://www.lauritsnielsen.dk/andyandbetsy.php

EXPANSION

THERE ARE NO ENEMIES
YOU ARE SAFE
*EXPAND*
EXPAND BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS
GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY
BREATHE

S'pose Tuh

Ohhh boy, holy crap....well, today it is about yet another issue that I "intellectually" thought I "got" but I sure didn't GET it! I still had a whole bunch of "supposed to's" in my consciousness!! Handing over my power to whoever and whatever out of a subservience, UNWORTHINESS and a laying down my power to perceived "authority" and elders. I got to see myself in my very own true power center last week, and WOW now I know what it feels like, and how it really is all about ME. It's ALL about claiming my space in this world, doing MY show, not projecting myself onto every one else's show, no fault of theirs!! It has been MY choice, and now that I see the alternative, and am NOT AFRAID of my power anymore...holy cow it is pure and total liberation! And there is no question, no shame, no guilt, when I serve my truth for my own awakening into my full consciousness. At a TruSelf Seminar the other day, one woman mentioned she wished for FULL EXPRESSION...and wow that really hit me. It's not good or bad, positive or negative, it is just FULL EXPRESSION!!! Full expression is fun and easy if I LET IT be. Take my darned hands off the darned bank of the river and let myself FLOW!!! Darnit! I now TRUST MY process, trust MY truth as absolutely valid and powerful. We are the creators of our universe. We are one with all the power that created everything we see...and more importantly, an INFINITY that we can't see. YET. We have the power in our brains to expand beyond our wildest dreams. And I am JUST beginning to really know that, and accept it as my birth right. As a given. FACT. And so it is.

(fabulous book of the week, by the way, is "Think of an Elephant" by Paul Bailey...cool as hell!!)

Choppy Waters Run Deep, too!

And I thought I was riled up in the LAST entry?!?! I started to read Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown. I knew it was for me when a friend mentioned the title and I got goosebumps from toe to head. Well, to say the least, it is potent. The cover needs a warning label! :) I started to read it too fast and the last few weeks were an inferno of my old ego crap rising up and trying to fight for dear life. The book is about the inner judge, inner critic, that we start creating internally as a baby in order to survive on the planet and in our family dynamic. Then we hold onto it into adulthood even though it is obsolete. The minute I started to read this, I saw so clearly this insanity inside me. This voice that "keeps me safe" and tells me exactly what to do and not to, what to think and not to, what to learn and not to. And it is no longer doing me any good, to say the least. I went into sensory overload, however, and started to lose it a bit. Thank heavens for the Dude, and open hearted friends!! This judge felt so powerful! And all of a sudden I am FINALLY realizing, that IT is not powerful...it is MY CHOICE to give it power or not. WELL!! SHAZAM again! Then luckily Carole my dear friend sent me the book Path of Empowerment by Barbara Marciniak, just at the right time!! And I could read that and it is like a warm hug, a reward for my work, an oasis of beauty and wisdom. So, as of last night, I am only reading ONE chapter of Soul Without Shame per week. Last night was the night, and yes, stuff is triggered, but it is no longer a giant fire breathing dragon. It is now a little lizard and when it rears its silly little head I can see it for what it is. There is a TruSelf Seminar this weekend and I feel like I am a whole new human compared to the last time I went. I am so grateful for this path, so grateful for my mom croaking and putting me on it. And SOOOOO grateful for my own perseverance in finding out where the real power comes from. WITHIN. And so it is.

BUSTED!

I've been wondering why this bird feeder is always empty lately!!!

Cosmic Dump

Well well well. Where to start? I guess my thought for the day is...we are never finished. We are never "done". There are always layers to be uncovered. If I can wake up every day and know that I am a brand new baby...then I am on the right track. I have shed layers in the past few weeks that I didn't even know were there. Wait. I knew they were there. But they were *SOCLOSE* I felt as if they were not layers at all, not veils at all, but reality. They were CONTROL. JUDGMENT. PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS. I THOUGHT they kept me safe. Safe from what???? Safe from FULL CONSCIOUSNESS is what they kept me from. I thought it was "good" for my "survival". So who was holding on? EGO was. My ego kept me from letting go of this crap because letting go of this crap means WAKING UP. Really waking up. I thought I was awake! Ha! Awakening is the word, I guess. A continual state. The terror I created right before letting go of this stuff was amazing. Then the RELIEF when I realized it wasn't me actually in terror. It was the old crap fighting for dear life! Then followed by some stress over whether it was REALLY gone. Then more relief as I let it all go and focused ONLY on what I am replacing it with. Replacing RIGIDITY with FLUIDITY. THEN reading this incredible book, Evolve Your Brain by Joe Dispenza, and seeing how small I have been thinking!! Asking for these wimpy little things instead of nothing less than FULL CONSCIOUSNESS...then realizing full consciousness is always right here...it is ALLOWING it in that is an issue for me. So now my re-programming mantra is I AM ALLOWING FULL CONSCIOUSNESS Then there is a whole OTHER portion of unveiling going on.....jeez, this is quite a week, a giant cosmic dump, and then another cosmic download!! Ben sends an email about this male/female issue, and the fact that so many women are missing this whole masculine side of ourselves, therefore living in 1/2 mind, half way full, half potency, ...and CLICK..... shazam! All of a sudden this inner warrior woke up inside me after what seems like millennia and ROARED!!!! Like HELLO!!! You finally noticed the void!!! And so it is. Now I need a drink. Only kidding. Roar.

Red in a Whiteout

It is quite refreshing to find a blast of red in an otherwise white world.

Think Yourself Free

This photo taken yesterday certainly reflects the mood I am creating for myself today. I am creating feelings of doubt, darkness, fear. I say "creating" thanks to my first mentor, Bonny. (I mean my first one after my mother) She studied with Ken Keyes and when I worked with her at 23-30 years old she gave these teachings to me and to anyone else who would listen. The venue was the wonderful Luscious Licks vegetarian restaurant on St. John. The general idea is the profound truth that we create our lives through thought. People don't do things TO us. Things don't happen TO us. People don't "make us feel" a certain way. We CHOOSE to react or to think in a certain way. The same situation can be different to each human depending on how they THINK about it. Ken Keyes' book, The Handbook to Higher Consciousness, is one I carry with me everywhere and read over and over again...and each time I learn something new. Another major truth from it is to KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOUR SELF. Any time we feel misery, we can stop, look within, and see that we have thrown our energy out of our center and are projecting outward into the illusion of separation. There is no such thing as loneliness if we are at home in our true self and live from that perspective. Well....I was going to talk about my mood but by just reflecting on this I already feel better! Ha! Bonny sounded like a broken record to me quite often: "Keep the focus on your Self" "Keep the focus on your Self" "Keep the focus on your Self"!!! But here I am 17 years later and it is finally sinking in and now I am a broken record to whoever will listen! (do they even know what a "broken record" sounds like?!?!) Bonny came into my life right after my mom died. In some way I am grateful that my mother checked out that early in my life because it catapulted me into the big questions of existence and a quest for awakening rather early in life. So actually, this photo doesn't "reflect my mood", this photo is me. This photo is whatever I think it is. This photo is deeeeeeeevine!

The Present Moment

I'm not feeling it this year...saying "Happy New Year". Because really, that is a man made concept and not based on reality. It is a reality, in a way, since millions of people focus their energy on this concept. But really, we are in a constantly renewing cycle. Every day. Every minute. Every second. New Year's resolutions and greetings, etc., are another way of focusing out of the present moment and not being here now in the present. I am waking up to the treasure of being present in my own life. And it is too good to lose sight of again. So, Happy Present Moment to everyone. And this moment. And this moment. And so it is.

Here Comes the Sun

Another great thing about my new life away from the tropics is that I can now appreciate the solstice again. What a thrill today to think that the days are now getting longer and longer and our sun is making its way back up to our neck of the woods. For sure a day to celebrate! I love really feeling a part of this natural cycle again. The cycles were there on St. John, certainly, but verrrrrrry subtle. I would like to think of this as a rebirth for the planet and humanity, too, and all of us who are laid off and struggling having a whole new world to wake up to and a new form of life here to create. I have a feeling life as we know it is no longer and the programming of the past is obsolete. Which is a very good thing even though right now it might seem scary. So here are some beautiful beings who graced me with their presence and I am so grateful! Happy Solstice and inner peace to all!

Solar Holiday!

I got solar powered holiday lights and I am so thrilled with them! There is a spot on our property that people can see down in the valley as they drive along the road. I tried one year with another type and somebody...a furry somebody...must have gotten caught up in the wires and chewed them to pieces! So that only lasted a few days. I hope these last longer! I'm not a religious celebrator of Christmas, but the lights are so beautiful.

Conehead Buddha!

We finally got our snow! And this (so far) has been the "perfect storm"....that kind where is is cold enough so the snow is powder and easy to shovel. And SUNNY! Now the temp is dropping and we are supposed to get high winds, drifting snow, and in the MINUS TEENS! Eeek! The dude is out snow blowing and the cats spent a few minutes at their window seats absorbing the "new world", then went back to their sprawl in front of the fire. I went out and shoveled and then took photos like mad. Check out Conehead Buddha! We got about a foot and a half of snow...I think it might even be good enough for snow shoeing! I might take my first snow shoe trek up Grizzly Trail today. I named it that because until this last summer, I had seen the trail but had decided in my head that I certainly would get eaten by grizzlies if I went that far from home. WELL, then curiosity got the best of me and I found the most beautiful overlook up there! I imagined immediately it would be a perfect goal for snowshoeing...with a thermos of vanilla cappuccino, of course. Now I will do my Google magnet thing..... personalized stone jewelry, engraved stones, river stones, Rock Steady Stone Wear, hand made Christmas ornaments, hand made Christmas ornaments,hand made Christmas ornaments,hand made Christmas ornaments!!! Peace!

Rock Steady!

I've been having a ball lately making tons of art stuff for Northwest Handmade www.northwesthandmade.com
lots of Sculpey clay Christmas ornaments and these fun Dog Bars. I have been just focusing on creating, and seeing that as I focus on what I love, the magic comes. Also, I am seeing that no matter what we "do", being human is about living with cycles. Everything on this planet has a cycle. Our emotional life runs in cycles. I need to remember to not take the down times so seriously. As my mom always tried to drum into my head, THIS TOO SHALL PASS...and it always does. So why freak out about it? Just make my art and relax and flow through it. I just wrote to my website goddess and am going to add my ornaments so keep your eye on www.rocksteadystonewear.com
for them. Or order now! They are $15 including shipping. Dog Bars are $40 including shipping. OK now I am going to do that thing where I write all my key words so Google picks up on it! Have a great day!! Go with the flow! Take yourself lightly!

Handmade Christmas ornaments! Personalized stone accessories! Stone necklaces! Stone key rings! Engraved stones! thanks!!!

Rebirth...again!

I went to my last (this time around) "TruSelf" seminar over in Hope on Saturday and once again, I realize that we are never "done". Life on this planet in this form is a constant shedding of layers, shedding of illusion as we get closer and closer to remembering who we really are. Once we say "I already know that" ....SHAZAM here comes another lesson so we can remember and re-learn it in a deeper way. The first big truth I ever actually "got" was "KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOUR SELF" and it is turning out to be the ONLY truth I really need to remember. Everything comes to that. Whenever we are feeling sad, mad, shameful, hurt, confused, all we need to do is look within and drop the story. We are not our story. I re-learned this on Saturday, a story that I didn't think I had the RIGHT to drop. A story that I just thought was "my burden to bear" in this life....part of me. And guess what? It's not me. It is not who I am, it is not necessary to hold on to shame. It is not our responsibility. Our responsibility is love. That's it. All the other crap is illusion. Jeez, what's next? What a trip!! ....a smart friend tells me that I need to put keywords to my website on all my blog entries because THAT is what Google picks up on so here goes...... personalized stone jewelry! engraved stones! river stones! key rings! labyrinth meditation stones! personalized stone signs! Ahh what a riot! Peace to all who read this today!

Rebirth

I took these photos yesterday after I planted about 12 iris around our pond. The pond is way down. Everything was wet and gray and decaying. Almost all the leaves are down and the Tamarack are almost done with their yellow show. I am in a lull business-wise...and in every other way, really. I had a great few days creating fun art items (I'll post them next) for Northwest Handmade www.northwesthandmade.com
and that is where I am happiest. Here in my sanctuary in the woods. Creating fun things in my art room. Making tea or coffee and getting on line when the paint is drying (FACEBOOK!!). Walking around our beautiful property and seeing all the animals and loving them deeply. Loving myself deeply. Then....an acquaintance on St. John drops dead of a heart attack. Bills loom over my head. No orders on my website. I throw my attention away from my wonderful core of peace and detachment, and SHAZAM! I am thinking of the future or the past and letting fear creep in. I am not in the present, I am not in my true self, I am in illusion. But sometimes it feels so real. All the tools I have learned in the past few years to let go of illusion and be "in this world but not of it" seem to be just out of reach, in the fog. Yesterday I also made a new compost bin. As I dumped our organic waste into it today, I remembered how that in the spring, all this dead stuff will be beautiful soil. With worms! And I will put it on my garden and stuff will grow in it! And as I look at these photos, and think of Dan on St. John. I remember that we all die. It is no different from birth. It's a cycle. Our bodies die and we feed the soil and then we turn into something else. The energy of our life force is only visiting this body. The leaves all decay and create new soil for more trees to grow in. Bills won't kill my spirit. Fear won't kill my spirit. My spirit waits forever for me to remember who I am, and over and over again, it says "YAY!! You're back!" I'm back. Thank you, Autumn. Thank you, Fall. Thank you, Dan.

KAIROS

Kairos. It has taken me a week to blog about it because there is so much that can't be explained in the written word. A 28 acre bubble of love and safety in the hills north of Spokane, Washington. Nothing but ponderosas and huge boulders. Run by Catholic nuns, Sisters Florence and Rita, who are true love personified. Dedicated to assisting in the re-discovery of inner peace, inner knowledge, no matter what the religion. (or lack of one, in my and many cases) We each get a tiny hermitage. Mine, Francis, is the most remote of all of them, however I am still close enough to the main house to feel safe and comfortable. Our retreats are in total silence, with fabulous vegetarian meals served twice daily. Breakfast is on our own, which is so perfect. Snuggle in the hut with hot tea and fruit, or take it out onto one of the endless boulders-with-a-view! For so many years on St. John I had heard about silent retreats and been intimidated by them, even though in my deepest knowing place, I knew I would do them someday. For my first one, exactly one year ago, I woke up the first morning of silence and thought I was supposed to "do" something. I wrote in my journal wondering if I was "doing it" right...and then just got a feeling of all over joy and realized it is simply about being. Not doing. Doing is about obligation. Being is about our original purpose that we have forgotten. Joy. Love. Simplicity. That's it. Since then, and on this third silent retreat, I flow into it with no expectations and no doubt. We enter and then come out of silence with a non-religious ritual, which is walking a labyrinth (see my website) and Eloiwa's www.heart-sounds.com beautiful music with her harp and crystal singing bowls (among many other instruments). During the silence I just walk, sing (yup, I let myself do whatever I want!!), talk to bugs, just be. The silent meals as a group have turned out to be the most life-altering thing for me. It is hard to imagine it before you do it, but it is TOTAL LIBERATION and a re-focusing on self. Especially for a rather co-dependent, people pleaser like myself. :) I am ready for a little longer period of silence. For the next one I might go there by myself a few days early. Here are some photos from Kairos. There will always be room if any of my out of town friends want to come to one!