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Ohhh boy, holy crap....well, today it is about yet another issue that I "intellectually" thought I "got" but I sure didn't GET it! I still had a whole bunch of "supposed to's" in my consciousness!! Handing over my power to whoever and whatever out of a subservience, UNWORTHINESS and a laying down my power to perceived "authority" and elders. I got to see myself in my very own true power center last week, and WOW now I know what it feels like, and how it really is all about ME. It's ALL about claiming my space in this world, doing MY show, not projecting myself onto every one else's show, no fault of theirs!! It has been MY choice, and now that I see the alternative, and am NOT AFRAID of my power anymore...holy cow it is pure and total liberation! And there is no question, no shame, no guilt, when I serve my truth for my own awakening into my full consciousness. At a TruSelf Seminar the other day, one woman mentioned she wished for FULL EXPRESSION...and wow that really hit me. It's not good or bad, positive or negative, it is just FULL EXPRESSION!!! Full expression is fun and easy if I LET IT be. Take my darned hands off the darned bank of the river and let myself FLOW!!! Darnit! I now TRUST MY process, trust MY truth as absolutely valid and powerful. We are the creators of our universe. We are one with all the power that created everything we see...and more importantly, an INFINITY that we can't see. YET. We have the power in our brains to expand beyond our wildest dreams. And I am JUST beginning to really know that, and accept it as my birth right. As a given. FACT. And so it is.
(fabulous book of the week, by the way, is "Think of an Elephant" by Paul Bailey...cool as hell!!)
And I thought I was riled up in the LAST entry?!?! I started to read Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown. I knew it was for me when a friend mentioned the title and I got goosebumps from toe to head. Well, to say the least, it is potent. The cover needs a warning label! :) I started to read it too fast and the last few weeks were an inferno of my old ego crap rising up and trying to fight for dear life. The book is about the inner judge, inner critic, that we start creating internally as a baby in order to survive on the planet and in our family dynamic. Then we hold onto it into adulthood even though it is obsolete. The minute I started to read this, I saw so clearly this insanity inside me. This voice that "keeps me safe" and tells me exactly what to do and not to, what to think and not to, what to learn and not to. And it is no longer doing me any good, to say the least. I went into sensory overload, however, and started to lose it a bit. Thank heavens for the Dude, and open hearted friends!! This judge felt so powerful! And all of a sudden I am FINALLY realizing, that IT is not powerful...it is MY CHOICE to give it power or not. WELL!! SHAZAM again! Then luckily Carole my dear friend sent me the book Path of Empowerment by Barbara Marciniak, just at the right time!! And I could read that and it is like a warm hug, a reward for my work, an oasis of beauty and wisdom. So, as of last night, I am only reading ONE chapter of Soul Without Shame per week. Last night was the night, and yes, stuff is triggered, but it is no longer a giant fire breathing dragon. It is now a little lizard and when it rears its silly little head I can see it for what it is. There is a TruSelf Seminar this weekend and I feel like I am a whole new human compared to the last time I went. I am so grateful for this path, so grateful for my mom croaking and putting me on it. And SOOOOO grateful for my own perseverance in finding out where the real power comes from. WITHIN. And so it is.
I've been wondering why this bird feeder is always empty lately!!!
Well well well. Where to start? I guess my thought for the day is...we are never finished. We are never "done". There are always layers to be uncovered. If I can wake up every day and know that I am a brand new baby...then I am on the right track. I have shed layers in the past few weeks that I didn't even know were there. Wait. I knew they were there. But they were *SOCLOSE* I felt as if they were not layers at all, not veils at all, but reality. They were CONTROL. JUDGMENT. PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS. I THOUGHT they kept me safe. Safe from what???? Safe from FULL CONSCIOUSNESS is what they kept me from. I thought it was "good" for my "survival". So who was holding on? EGO was. My ego kept me from letting go of this crap because letting go of this crap means WAKING UP. Really waking up. I thought I was awake! Ha! Awakening is the word, I guess. A continual state. The terror I created right before letting go of this stuff was amazing. Then the RELIEF when I realized it wasn't me actually in terror. It was the old crap fighting for dear life! Then followed by some stress over whether it was REALLY gone. Then more relief as I let it all go and focused ONLY on what I am replacing it with. Replacing RIGIDITY with FLUIDITY. THEN reading this incredible book, Evolve Your Brain by Joe Dispenza, and seeing how small I have been thinking!! Asking for these wimpy little things instead of nothing less than FULL CONSCIOUSNESS...then realizing full consciousness is always right here...it is ALLOWING it in that is an issue for me. So now my re-programming mantra is I AM ALLOWING FULL CONSCIOUSNESS Then there is a whole OTHER portion of unveiling going on.....jeez, this is quite a week, a giant cosmic dump, and then another cosmic download!! Ben sends an email about this male/female issue, and the fact that so many women are missing this whole masculine side of ourselves, therefore living in 1/2 mind, half way full, half potency, ...and CLICK..... shazam! All of a sudden this inner warrior woke up inside me after what seems like millennia and ROARED!!!! Like HELLO!!! You finally noticed the void!!! And so it is. Now I need a drink. Only kidding. Roar.
It is quite refreshing to find a blast of red in an otherwise white world.
This photo taken yesterday certainly reflects the mood I am creating for myself today. I am creating feelings of doubt, darkness, fear. I say "creating" thanks to my first mentor, Bonny. (I mean my first one after my mother) She studied with Ken Keyes and when I worked with her at 23-30 years old she gave these teachings to me and to anyone else who would listen. The venue was the wonderful Luscious Licks vegetarian restaurant on St. John. The general idea is the profound truth that we create our lives through thought. People don't do things TO us. Things don't happen TO us. People don't "make us feel" a certain way. We CHOOSE to react or to think in a certain way. The same situation can be different to each human depending on how they THINK about it. Ken Keyes' book, The Handbook to Higher Consciousness, is one I carry with me everywhere and read over and over again...and each time I learn something new. Another major truth from it is to KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOUR SELF. Any time we feel misery, we can stop, look within, and see that we have thrown our energy out of our center and are projecting outward into the illusion of separation. There is no such thing as loneliness if we are at home in our true self and live from that perspective. Well....I was going to talk about my mood but by just reflecting on this I already feel better! Ha! Bonny sounded like a broken record to me quite often: "Keep the focus on your Self" "Keep the focus on your Self" "Keep the focus on your Self"!!! But here I am 17 years later and it is finally sinking in and now I am a broken record to whoever will listen! (do they even know what a "broken record" sounds like?!?!) Bonny came into my life right after my mom died. In some way I am grateful that my mother checked out that early in my life because it catapulted me into the big questions of existence and a quest for awakening rather early in life. So actually, this photo doesn't "reflect my mood", this photo is me. This photo is whatever I think it is. This photo is deeeeeeeevine!
I'm not feeling it this year...saying "Happy New Year". Because really, that is a man made concept and not based on reality. It is a reality, in a way, since millions of people focus their energy on this concept. But really, we are in a constantly renewing cycle. Every day. Every minute. Every second. New Year's resolutions and greetings, etc., are another way of focusing out of the present moment and not being here now in the present. I am waking up to the treasure of being present in my own life. And it is too good to lose sight of again. So, Happy Present Moment to everyone. And this moment. And this moment. And so it is.
